Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?



Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.



Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.



Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.



Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.



For instance:
In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.



Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.



Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.



Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.



Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.



Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.



If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.



You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.



If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be one universe — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.



So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.



Well, isn’t that comforting?



If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?





Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

© Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You | Thought Catalog

Happy Birthday 'Cok'?

Jadi, semua ini berawal dari…. Mana ya? Aku nggak tau harus mulai dari mana―tapi―hari ini adalah hari dimana umurku bertambah satu dari 16 menjadi 17. Sebenarnya nggak terlalu spesial (secara aku lebih suka huruf 18―yang berarti tahun depan―dan happy sweet seventeen itu sudah terlalu mainstream untuk di sweet-sweet-kan) sisi positivenya adalah: sebentar lagi aku punya KTP, bisa donor darah, bisa bikin paspor, bisa bikin member di atlantic jadi kalo pinjem VCD gampang.

Hari ini memang ‘sweet’, bukan angka 17 yang menghitung umurku, tapi hari ini ada sesuatu yang ‘sweet’ dibanding kemarin dan kemarinnya lagi.

Pagi, tanggal 18 Januari 2013―yang kukira nggak bakal datang karena rumor kiamat sial suku maya―di awali dengan bangun dan sholat subuh kesiangan seperti biasa. Pagi-pagi mommy sudah gopoh ke kasur cium pipi kanan cium pipi kiri―dan kubalas tendangan―dengan ganasnya sampai akhirnya aku bangun lalu mandi.

Sebelum berangkat ke sekolah, aku buka twitter via handphone dan nggak bisa nahan senyum melengkung hampir ngelihatin semua gigi berbehelku saat lihat ucapan dari teman-teman yang kebanyakan bilang “HBD Cok”.

Demi apa…

Aku ingat, waktu aku kumpul sama teman-teman buat ngerencanain penyiksaan Yamin aku emang sempat bilang: “Gimana kalo kuenya ditulisi HBD cok~, kan kalo happy sweetseventeen sayangkublahblahblah udah mainstream.”

Hasna nyahut, “nanti ae kalo kamu ulang tahun kayak gitu.”

“Beneran yo?!” Jawabku nantang, sambil ketawa-tawa.

Sesampainya di sekolah udah banyak yang sekedar ngucapin (nggak ngasih kado, huuu), beberapa dari mereka mengucapkan dengan normal, tapi kebanyakan ‘tidak normal’.

Misalnya aja pas aku papasan dengan Jeje dan Sem di dekat ruang serba guna.

Jeje: “Ha Be De ya cok~”

Aku: “Heh sing nggenah ae!”

Sem: “Ha Be De cooook~~”

Aku: “Rek wes talah cukup, cukup.”

Seumur hidupku baru pertama kali aku ulang tahun dikasih selamat ulang tahun plus dipisuhi. Ternyata guyonanku dulu beneran dikabulin. Dan yang jelas kata-kata HBD Cok itu nggak diucapin hanya sekali, tapi berkali-kali.

Hingga akhirnya pulang sekolah, aku sempat kehilangan jejak Hasna, Cila, Yamin dan kawan-kawan. Kukirim SMS juga nggak dibales. Semua anak yang tak tanyain kemana perginya Munyuk bilang: nggak tau coba sms aja.

Yo lek sms e dibales aku gak takok kon rek.

Ternyata dia menghilang karena mengambil cupcake, dan benar saja dia balik ke sekolah sambil bawa 6 cupcake coklat dilapisi fondan hitam putih. 2 cupcake panda, 2 cupcake bunga, 2 lilin kecil berwarna kuning (warna kesukaanku), 1 cupcake tulisannya ‘Mutek’, 1 cupcake di tengah tulisannya ‘HBD Cok’.

....dan ternyata beneran.

Cupcake-nya…

Mereka sambil nyanyi keras-keras di ruang kelas Mat 1, aku cuma duduk, bingung, semoga aja nggak ada yang ngerekam ekspresiku waktu itu. Ekspresi antara kaget, mau ketawa karena HBD Cok, seneng, atau bingung harus ikut nyanyi dan tepuk tangan. Mungkin Yamin sempat lihat aku tepuk tangan sambil bingung (sumpah, pasti kelihatan kayak anjing laut tepuk tangan yang di national geographic) soalnya jujur… aku lupa kapan terakhir kali aku ulang tahun dengan suasana seperti ini. Dinyanyiin happy birthday keras-keras, sama orang selain kakak dan mommy.

Gemeteran, seneng lihat cupcake, ekspresi teman-teman, dua nyala lilin yang redup, ekspresi datar Okrez yang megangin kardus cupcake. Kalau aku nggak ketawa, pasti kalian nggak ada yang nyangka sebenarnya detik itu aku pingin nangis. Mengingat ulang tahunku empat tahun berturut-turut ke belakang penuh kekecewaan.

Waktu kalian bilang make a wish, aku bener-bener bingung harus berharap apa karena saat itu aku merasa sudah punya semuanya. Apa yang belum? Oh cita-cita. Aku berharap punya cita-cita profesi, jadi kalau ditanyain nggak dihina-hina lagi karena selama ini aku selalu menjawab ‘jadi manten’ adalah cita-citaku.

Bahkan aku sampai nggak bisa matiin api lilin walau udah mencoba niup berkali-kali. Kenapa ya, aku sendiri juga bingung. Haha.

Hari ini memang ‘sweet’, bukan angka 17 yang menghitung umurku, tapi hari ini ada sesuatu yang ‘sweet’ dibanding kemarin dan kemarinnya lagi. Sebuah, seorang, se―, se―, sembarang.  Kado paling indah yang ternyata sudah kumiliki entah sejak kapan. Bukan cupcake, bukan dua lilin dengan nyala redup, bukan kopi dan creamer yang disiramin ke aku, bukan.

Tapi kalian.

Kalian yang bernyanyi lagu selamat ulang tahun keras keras.

Kalian yang mengucapkan HBD cok, ataupun HBD normal.

Terima kasih.

I love you guys.

I love us

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Ps: aku berusaha puitis, ojok dihujat, oke?